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Bisexual

By John Edmondson

Pulling strings
Toying with fate
Trying to make us happen.
Let me go
Our time is up
My life is not your soap opera
Giving me possibilities
Dismissing what is
Playfully indecisive.

Gaging my reaction
Failing to read me
Inching your foot between a closed door.
You have a girlfriend
I have a boyfriend
Why can’t you be happy?

Even flowers wilt,
And our love is out of season
Let’s be happy with our friendship.
His name
May not be written on me,
But you can’t erase him from my heart.

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Inject Me

By John Edmondson

I walk in darkness
Cold brick walls
Looking for my fix.
I need to hurry
My conscience is knocking
Back to where it began.

Inject me with your bliss
Sharing needles
Spreading  disease.
Day 1 of my HIV
It hurts too much to regret
So I continue to inject.

This dark world is my home
It will be my grave
One day I’ll fade away.
Until that day
I’ll poke at my pain
Distracting truth.

Truth will never speak
I won’t give it a chance
This needle cries the blues…

Tattoo

By John Edmondson

If there are any doubts
Please put them away
Like your reservations.
There’s only one
His name is on my heart
The ink I wear.

Cast them aside
Hear my truth
My honesty never waivers.
I hear the tone in your voice
Uncertain about his return
Nothings as it seems.

There’s only you
Your name on my heart
The ink I wear.

Our love will never fade
This feeling is permanent
It’s safe to say “I love you”
There are no secrets between lovers
What’s on your heart ,
Will always be written.

Whenever You’re Ready

By John Edmondson

I know you wonder
Why am I here?
I felt you could use a friend.
You look lonely
It’s okay to be honest with me
That chip on your shoulder looks heavy.

I don’t want to kill you
With my kindness
I want to show you love.
Your secrets leave you weary
It’s all on the table
Nothing to hide.

Don’t mask your burdens
I won’t judge you
A true friend is here.
Educate me
Vent to me
I have a patient ear.

Today

By John Edmondson

Today I say FUCK IT!
I cannot define you by my morals
Some people like to play in clutter.
Messy lives for messy folk
Dressed as my friend
Leaving me to feel like a loner.

I walk alone
My surroundings keep me company
Quiet days ahead.
He invites you in
You took a seat
Placing me on back burner.

Temptation slays our friendship
Flirting with my past
Was it worth it?
You sipped my tea
Around him you’re thirsty
Bladder full of ignorance.

Part-time friend
Take your pink slip
I can only confide in me!

Rapid Test

By John Edmondson

These 4 walls
Give me room to think
Stale white purgatory
I’m anxious with anticipation.

My thoughts run wild
“What if”s beat me down
Metaphorically running in circles
Worries glue me to my seat.

She said she’d be back in 20
Keeps me waiting
ELISA you toy with my time
Where are you?

The door opens
In comes my diagnosis
Am I positive
Yes or No?

Abstinence

By John Edmondson II

I wear my sapphire chains
And chastity belt with no key
My fate was etched in heaven’s stone.
Beyond the veil
Out of reach
Watching life go on without me.

Nostalgic about feelings
Imagining warm skin
Craving intimacy like it’s a necessity.
Understanding never comes
Trapped within my prison of ethics
God’s master plan.

Existing beyond the sins of the flesh
Wondering what it’s like to be human
My iron maiden of convictions.
Time and I are intimate
Like an affair with solitude
Along the way I’ve lost my humility.

 

Flowers for a friend

By John Edmondson II

Dear friend
“Those were the days”
Talking under God’s beard
Lying on the grass.
Predicting our futures
Making him laugh
By telling him our plans
I miss those days…

We grew older
Wild Orchids
Playful and care-free
Ignorance was our euphoria.
Today’s a different day
Memories offer me sadness
All I want is my friend
HIV stole him from me.

If I had more minutes
I’d lie to Chronos
Pawn my possessions
To buy more time.
In memory of you
I’ll live vicariously for you
My soul mate,
Dear friend.

Me Muero

By John Edmondson

Rest your head on my lap
Cry those familiar tears
I’ll caress your head
While you ignore what’s best.

His hand is strong
Full of projected wrath
He doesn’t mean it
Yet you feel the intent in his hand.

Your tolerance level is numb
Ignoring your limit
You stay
Afraid of the unknown.

When will you love yourself
More than you love him?
When will you love yourself
More than he loves you?

It’s not selfish
To love yourself
No need for concealer
You’re stronger than that hand.

Will You Still Love Me?

By John Edmondson

Our chemistry is
Exceeding our expectations
Breaking the bonds of infatuation.
You know me so well
Please don’t pass go
Until I tell you.

To know my character
You must know my story
My truth.
Look at me
With lucid eyes
No time for deceptions.

What flows through my veins
Is not all that I am
Don’t let it mask my identity.
Still the one
Who makes you smile
The one who has your heart.

Bringing you happiness
I love you unconditionally
Take my hand.
My glossy eyes are curious
Searching for answers upon your face
I promise to live forever.

I have HIV.
Don’t let fear consume you
Nor ignorance hold you in one place
Before we get deeper
I need to know
Do you plan on staying
Or will you go?

Can’t take it Back

By John Edmondson

Sometime you made me feel
Like I wasn’t your type
I couldn’t be your light.
These dreams never come true
Tell me how you feel
Don’t lie.

That fib might be your last
When I walk away
I won’t look back.
Ignoring our unfinished business
It’s in the past
You said I’m not what you want.

Now I’m what you need
You can’t bend Time’s hands back
Text my phone Mr. Scared-to-say-I’m-sorry.
Kiss me goodnight
Like I give a damn
I’ll just wipe it off.

Regret fills your lungs
I hear it in your voice
Save your breath.
There is nothing to discuss
Please save your breath
I don’t want to talk about us.

Defining Moments

By John Edmondson

 
 

Life goes on
So does he
A man without burdens.
HIV in his veins
Like his shadow
It exists but won’t slow him down.

Cried his tears and dried them
His life is far from over
Depression is not a welcomed guest.
Free to “live, love, laugh”
His heart is still the same
Untainted by regret.

Living in the here and now
His future is unwritten
He holds the pen.
A smile as his shield
Determination as his sword
He turns dreams into reality.

His goals are his own
There’s more to do
His limitations are not defined by his disease.

 

Babylon

By John Edmondson

Our love was doomed from the start
My Tower of Babylon
I tried to build you up
Make you into the man you desired,
But failed to be.

Your Walls of Jericho
You tore me down
When I was protecting you
Your angel loving you,
Falling from grace
It’s not easy to love a man happy in his chaos.

Our love was doomed from the start
We just couldn’t get through to each other,
Loving to hold hands.

I was too pure for your dark world
Your truth
The reality you refused to face
I was what you prayed for.

Now too happy in your chaos
Too content to change
I lost my wings
Now I’m grounded and alone
My lesson learned.